Yes, Clutch Your Pearls Over The Decay Of Kindness

Value #4: Kindness, Politeness & Social Norms

The Story

I was sitting at my desk struggling to figure out how to introduce the topic of kindness, and my mind wandered (appropriately, since I teach in an elementary school) to the word “kindergarten.” Of course, I immediately wanted to know how “kindness” and “kindergarten” are related. Hello, Google.

Did you know that “kindergarten” means, literally, a child’s garden? In German, “kind” means “child.”

Huh, I thought. Is it because children are supposedly inherently kind that the word “kindness’’ has the same root as “child?” (I mean, are they though? Have you been inside a kindergarten classroom lately?)

I didn’t want to go down a whole nature vs. nurture rabbit hole, so I looked further.

The word “kind” in most European languages refers to nature, as a way to sort animals and humans from each other. That kind of monkey. That kind of person. In that way, it’s a divisive term. It’s used to categorize, not unify.

But the way we use “kindness” today is the opposite. It’s a thread of connection to others, with an implication that those others may not be of our same sort, and we have to make an effort to bridge any gaps.

One of the effects of our increasingly online lives over the past several decades is that we’ve become less polite with one another. Our ability to speak with unchecked vitriol to strangers on the internet has caused something of a social breakdown that trickles into our real-life interactions. It used to be that if you had a problem with a business, you’d have to resolve in person, in real time. It takes a lot of guts to yell at a salesperson to their face or on the phone. It’s extremely easy to write a nasty review, or ghost someone online.

If algorithms have a motivation, I don’t think it’s getting humans to be more polite or kind. The division is getting much more clear out in the real world, with some parents and schools working overtime to teach their kids how to be kind, and some not even bothering, resulting in kids who have few manners or sense of social norms. This builds to a tipping point where more people are ignoring social norms than are upholding them— and any norm needs a majority to survive.

All this is to say that this breakdown of kindness, politeness and social norms matters, not just in a pearl-clutching way, but in costs to our common humanity and perspective on the world.

How To Be Kinder

I started this post feeling as though I had something of a kindness deficit. I often compare myself to my mother, who is an inherently kind person— she never has a bad word to say to anyone. She doesn’t even gossip! Me, I’m a little… saltier, let’s say. I have a strong streak of sarcasm that can make people laugh but also sometimes comes off as cruel. When that happens, I reflect and apologize, if needed. Basically, speaking kindly is not always my first instinct, but it is my second.

However, I realized that kindness is a lot like a love language. My mother is good at speaking kindly because she’s good with showing love through words. But words aren’t my love language (yes, I’m aware this is weird for a writer). I’m more of an action person. Kindness can mean showing up. It means being helpful. It means noticing when someone is feeling emotionally troubled, and offering to talk or just breathe together. In those ways, kindness is my first instinct. (I’ll keep working on the sarcasm.)

As for other social norms, such as politeness and manners, these are more important than ever. Politeness and manners are the stitches in the fabric of society. Lucky for me, I had parents who drilled manners into me until they were automatic. I’m glad their influence allowed me to show up in the world with politeness. But not everyone has parents like mine. Education and art can fill the gap. That’s why kindness, politeness and social norms must be an inherent value. If they’re not treated with that level of import, our society’s stitches will fray.

Series Update

This was the fourth post in the Good Character VALUES series! The first post featured Beaker the Muppet in a conversation about balancing “Me” and “We;” the second recommended attempting time travel as a way to balance past, present and future-thinking; and the third encouraged contemplating death in order to get more out of life.

Stuff You Might Like To Know

IN A FLASH is still open for the theme of GROWTH until February 15. Send us your best, under 500 words.

I’m reading ALL FOURS by Miranda July and A REASON TO SEE YOU AGAIN by Jamie Attenberg.

I’m listening to 90s pop music every night while my kids and I have a Football Dance Party. (This is when you dance and throw a football around at the same time. It’s awesome.)

I’m watching St. Denis Medical on Peacock. Hilarious!

Keep hoping. Keep caring. Keep trying.