What "Doing vs. Being" Is All About

Intention vs. Impact

The Story

In my last two posts, What “Good Character” Is All About and What “Accomplishment” Is All About, I suggested that the foundation of character is shifting focus from a “doing” mindset to a “being” mindset. The inherent busyness of doing keeps us from the deeper work of improving our own characters by being: being kind, being generous, being empathetic, being brave.

But what’s the difference, really, between being and doing?

And how do we show that we are something without taking action?

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

Let’s say that I bake cookies for the library book sale. I’m volunteering my time, energy and ingredients so that the library can raise more money. I am adding something to my calendar— something that makes my schedule busier. There’s no question that baking cookies for the book sale falls into the category of “doing.”

But I am also “being.” I am being generous, helpful, and community-minded. Moreover, this action also gives me a warm inner glow— the true test of whether something is good for the soul. (Or Sowul. I’m sorry, I can’t resist a pun on my last name!)

Let’s take another example. Say I bake cookies, put them in the cookie jar, and don’t tell my family that they’re there. I’m using the same amount of time, energy and ingredients that I did for the library book sale. I’m taking the exact same action. But I am not being generous, helpful or community-minded. Most people would say I’m being a bit selfish (although I suppose hoarding cookies could be considered self-care?). And secret-keeping gives me the opposite of a warm inner glow.

The difference is in the impact. I was part of a school district equity team a few years ago, and this was something of a mantra for our work: intent is not as important as impact. I may intend to share the cookies, right up until the moment I hide them in the jar. At that point, any chance of positive impact is gone.

So, while “doing” and “being” both require action, they have different motivations and outcomes. Having good character means doing things not simply to do them, but because they contribute positively to the whole— the whole person, the whole family, the whole community.

How many items on your to-do list fit that description?

Ironically, as I was in the process of writing this post, I had stressful day that felt like an endless to-do list. As soon as I was done with one thing, I was pressed to go on to the next, and I felt constantly behind. School work, teaching, writing group tasks, managing the household, helping my kids— it was all jumbled up into one crazy, impossible puzzle. As you can imagine, my temper was short and my patience was paper-thin. By the end of the day, I was overreacting to the tiniest of problems.

(It was truly not a good day.)

But it reminded me that when my head is full of tasks, and my body is full of urgency, I am not being who I want to be. I wasn’t calm or centered with my students. I was distracted and irritable with my family. I almost bit the head off of any person who gave me one more goddamned thing to do.

I desperately needed to re-set. So I took some deep breaths and tried to access perspective and a sense of humor. It didn’t make the day go any better, but it did help me get through it without too much damage to myself or my relationships. Then I looked at my next day and tried to figure out how to stay focused on impact- not just the impact on my to-do list, but the impact of how I was showing up in the world. How could I show up for my family, friends and students with love and care?

I went to bed thinking about that, got a good night’s sleep, and the next day, I threw some of my plans out in favor of taking things slower. Slower, but better; making a positive impact by being a more centered, calm, loving version of myself.

How do you find that version of yourself?

How do you stay focused on who you are, and not your (endless) to-do list?

Welcome To The Good Character Community!

Since I last posted, we’ve welcomed Vince, Eileen, Rachel, Tiffany, Morgan, Janet, Linda, and more subscribers who didn’t leave their name. Thank you for joining us! Please consider introducing yourself in the comments or via email, and telling me what you think “Good Character” means, or what topics you hope I’ll explore.

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Keep hoping. Keep caring. Keep trying.