The Time My Baby Was Upside Down

Being Mothering

The Story

Nearly eight years ago, when I was in the third trimester with my daughter, I was obsessed with one thing, and one thing only. No, it was not some weird sweet/salty pregnancy food combo, like pickles with hot fudge. I wish it had been! That would be have much less stressful.

I was obsessed with the fact that my daughter was in breech position (head up, instead of head down, which is optimal for natural childbirth). Babies usually flip into head-down position by 34 weeks or so, but as time dragged on, my OB/GYN became less optimistic that she would do it on her own. He told me that if she didn’t flip, I’d need to schedule a C-section, which countered my desire to have a natural childbirth. It was the last thing I wanted to hear.

So— as is typical for me— I went all in. I found a list of things online that supposedly encouraged a baby to flip. I took warm baths with an ice pack on the top of my belly so that she’d move away from the cold into the warmth. I did a lot of very specific yogic stretching and squats. I shone a flashlight you-know-where so she’d move toward the light! None of it worked.

I took it up a level. I went to my local natural-mama store, the place I’d taken birthing classes, pregnancy yoga, and music classes with my toddler. There, I signed up for acupuncture (which I cancelled quickly because the needles made me feel anxious) and several sessions with a chiropractor who was supposed to realign my body so that the baby had room to turn around (which I didn’t mind, but also didn’t help, and cost me a lot of money). I even bought a bunch of Chinese herbs that were supposed to help draw the baby down in a process called moxibustion. I am not making this up— every night my husband would light the herb, kind of like an incense stick, and hover it near my pinkie toes. We did this for two to three weeks.

Looking back, it’s so obvious that I was out of my mind about this. (I mean, burning herbs near my pinkie toes??? WHAT???) I’m generally quite pragmatic— way too rational to pay a ton of money for dubious chiropractic services or spend my time on any of the other interventions. But I wanted to give my baby girl the world, and that meant doing the work to push her out and giving her the benefits of a natural labor. That was being a “Good Mother.”

My OB/GYN told me he’d never seen any woman work so hard NOT to have a C-section.

Eventually, I accepted that she wasn’t going to turn, and I had to schedule the C-section. And I found there were benefits. I was able to schedule it with the doctor I was most comfortable with; I got an extra 2 weeks of paid leave; it was easy to time childcare for our older son. After we had our beautiful baby girl, I recognized my obsession as “Good Mother” syndrome. We have a vision in our heads of what a “Good Mother” looks like, so we try to over-control in service of that vision— only to learn that a true Good Mother must accept her child’s vision in place of, or sometimes alongside, her own.

My mother and mother-in-law embody being a true Good Mother, so as I go through these experiences, I always wonder if they had to learn the same lessons. So I ask them, and they laugh, and agree. It’s a rite of passage, these lessons. It’s learning how to be a mother the hard way (always the hard way), one experience at a time.

My unflippable girl and her brother, around 2018

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers reading this— the ones in our lives, and the ones in our hearts. A special Happy Mother’s Day to my own mother and mother-in-law, who are both very precious to me.

Stuff You Might Like To Know

I’m currently reading COME AND GET IT by Kiley Reid; she writes young adults so well.

I’m watching Small Town Potential on HGTV because it features the Hudson Valley, my home! I love seeing familiar landmarks throughout the episode. We even spotted our elementary school!

I’m listening to Parks and Recollection— the podcast where the hosts (including Jerry/Gary/Barry Gergich himself, Jim O’Heir) rewatch and reminisce about Parks & Rec. One of my favorite TV shows of all time!

Here’s to us, in all of our imperfect, striving goodness.

Keep hoping. Keep caring. Keep trying.