The Time I Got Mad At A Wall
The Story
There’s a quote painted on the wall of my school’s hallway that really bothers me. It goes something like this:
“Some kids are smarter than you. Some kids have cooler clothes than you. Some kids are better at sports than you.
It doesn’t matter. You have your thing too.
Be the kid who can get along. Be the kid who does the right thing. Be the kind kid.”
Maybe you’re thinking, “Leanne, this quote is encouraging kindness. How can you dislike it? What’s your problem?”
Here’s my issue with it: it makes it sound like being smart or good at sports is something out of reach, while being kind is a simple choice. But kindness, just like intelligence or sports talent, is both inherent and a skill. It’s inside all of us— some more than others— but it must be nurtured, the same as reading or kicking a ball. That means it needs to be taught. It would be like a school hallway with a quote saying, “Be a person who is good at math” and thinking that’s enough to make students good at math. (Not that I think anyone at my school has this mindset.)
Everyone needs to work at being kind, and it’s NOT easy. We all default to putting ourselves and our immediate families first. That doesn’t meant that people are immutably selfish, but selfishness is programed into us; without it, we probably wouldn’t have survived, evolutionarily speaking, to this point. Kindness, cooperation, empathy and love are also programmed into us, but if we want to elevate any of these qualities, we must teach it. We must practice it.
So how does one practice being kind? And… what is kindness, anyway? Is it different from being nice or polite? Is it shallower than empathy? Does it require externality, like an “act of kindness,” or can it be internal, like “kind thoughts?”
(I promise I am going to answer those questions in the next section.)
The reason I think rather un-kind thoughts every time I pass that wall is because, like most quippy quotes, it lacks nuance. It reduces something that’s a vital part of society and human interaction into a simple action statement.
Here’s the way I learned to be kind: I watched my mother.
My mother is one of the kindest people I know. She’s thoughtful, in the sense that she anticipates the needs of others and tries to meet them. She’s giving of her time, her attention, and her money. And when you speak to her, she’s open to hearing what you have to say, and responds with respect and consideration. She may disagree, but she’ll do it in a way that still makes you feel understood.
My mother was also a teacher for over thirty years. I bet her students didn’t need a quote on the wall to tell them to be kind. They just had to follow her example.
The Character Trait
Kindness has its origins in the word “kin,” which means “as one; of a related type.” When you’re being kind, you’re relating to another person in a way that emphasizes your human connection.
Kindness is being considerate, respectful, and genuine. Although it can begin with an internal thought process and end with warm, personal feelings, it is generally assumed to be an outward-facing quality. Being kind is relational; it requires another person, or group of people, to bestow genuine consideration and respect upon.
Let’s Do Some Stuff Together
For this week, try one of these exercises:
Spend a day thinking of the people around you as your “kin.” Not just your family, but strangers too. Notice how you treat people differently when you think of them as related to you (which they all are, in a distant sense).
During a disagreement, respect the other person’s perspective. You may not agree with it, but don’t dismiss it. Use curiosity as a means for deeper understanding.
Be kind to yourself, too. Try treating yourself the way you’d treat your best friend. Use self-compassionate language, and cut yourself some slack.
Want more?
If you’re a parent or teacher, don’t just say, “be kind.” Model kindness in your own behavior, point it out when children are kind, read books with kind characters, and act out scenarios where kindness helps children get along better.
If you’re a writer/creator, be kind to those who haven’t had your success yet. Lift up other writers and creators. (One thing I love about being a writer is how supportive writers are of each other.)
How did this work for you? Leave a comment below, and you might be featured in next week’s newsletter!
Last Week’s Leftovers
Last week I posted a special edition, my cancer story. So many comments and emails flooded in that I was overwhelmed with… well, kindness! Kathy pointed out the saying that we should be kind to each other because we’re all fighting hard battles that the rest of us don’t see. It was a perfect segue into this week’s post. Thank you, Kathy!
Stuff You Might Like To Know
My highest reading recommendation goes to my friend Lisa Cooper Ellison’s newsletter this week. She writes about her past with such strength, resilience, and self-awareness.
My favorite Substack this week was Mikala Jemison’s Body Type on Ballerina Farm and what we can— gasp— learn from the performance of thinness. Maybe it doesn’t have to be a performance? I appreciated the counterpoint and the nuance in this piece.
I just got Melissa Clark’s Dinner in One cookbook and I can already tell it’s going to be a gamechanger.
Here’s to us, in all of our imperfect, striving goodness.
Keep hoping. Keep caring. Keep trying.