The Time Glass Shattered Inside My Head

Being Inclusive

The Story

How I Met Your Mother is one of my favorite TV shows of all time. I love the construct: every episode is a story a dad is telling his kids from his past, when he was seeking love and finding it in all the wrong places while getting into adventures with his four best friends. It’s also an intriguing mystery with tantalizing clues: who is the mother, and when does he finally meet her? It’s funny and insightful and heartwarming, well-acted and well-written.

There’s an episode in season three called “Spoiler Alert” where all the characters point out each other’s foibles. Lily chews too loudly; Ted corrects everyone; Barney speaks in a high voice. Once all the foibles are out in the open, there’s a sound of glass breaking as each character realizes what they’ve ignored during their long years of friendship. Suddenly, the foibles are all they can see, and they’re at each other’s throats.

I started re-watching the show last summer, and within the first ten minutes of the pilot episode, the sound of shattering glass filled my head— and continued on repeat, each time signifying a moment where I saw the major flaw I’d ignored in my favorite show.

Earlier that summer, I’d read a pair of mind-changing books. The first, “You Just Need to Lose Weight,” and 19 Other Myths About Fat People by Aubrey Gordon, forced me to reckon with my own negative body image as I age and gain weight while maintaining healthy habits. The second, Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture by Virginia Sole-Smith, taught me to uncouple diet culture from conversations with my children. (This is much harder than it sounds, and I highly recommend Virginia’s Burnt Toast Substack and podcast to help with this.)

After absorbing Aubrey and Virginia’s work, I started to see anti-fat bias everywhere. In books; movies; community spaces; conversations with family members. And in my favorite show, How I Met Your Mother. (Sound of glass shattering.)

In HIMYM, Barney Stinson is constantly chasing tail. He’s always after women with a certain look, and that look is bone-thin, white, and generally blond. On the rare occasions he does encounter a women with a rounder body, that woman’s body is treated as a joke. There’s no way Barney will date or sleep with her. He explicitly says, “No fatties,” almost as many times as his catchphrase “It’s going to be legendary!” When I say that HIMYM may be the most anti-fat television show of its era, it is not hyperbole. 

No wonder so many women in my generation hate their bodies. We’ve been told, over and over, that our bodies are not okay. We’ve been told that our bodies define us above anything else, including our character, and if they don’t fit a very specific type, we’re devalued. And because this is so entrenched, we carry the potential to make other women— and our children— feel this way, too. Note to society: THIS IS NO LONGER ALLOWED. 

Do I still watch HIMYM? Yes, but I notice every anti-fat reference. I still love watching Barney (how could you not, with NPH’s performance?) but I hate what he stands for— and I vow to make the world more inclusive, in any way I can.

Hold all bodies close. Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

The Character Trait

Being inclusive of all genders, races, sexualities, body types, body abilities, personality types and more means:

1. Considering all the ways a person could be present in this world

2. Holding empathy for those ways of being

3. Making sure space is provided for them

4. Screening for ways that they might feel excluded.

Being truly inclusive is not easy. It requires thought, effort, and the willingness to step out of our comfort zones. But I truly believe that, as a culture, we’re becoming more inclusive all the time. For inspiration, look at the example of food allergies and sensitivities, and how we’ve adapted to friends and family members being gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan, nut-free, and many other iterations. Most people make the effort to make loved ones feel included in how they prefer to eat. We don’t live in a perfectly inclusive world, but it’s helpful to acknowledge the building blocks.

Being inclusive specifically about size means considering the different structural needs (including chairs, seatbelts, etc.) for people in larger bodies, as well as the emotional needs of people who have had to live in a world where they are often shamed for the simple act of living in their bodies.

Before that inclusivity can exist, we must first untangle our often deeply rooted feelings about body size and diet culture, so please do check out the resources I provided above for further learning. I am learning too, and that work has challenged and rewarded me beyond measure.

Let’s Do Some Stuff Together

For this week, think of a person in your life who has a different experience of the world than you. Okay, yes— that’s everyone! So let’s narrow it down to someone who moves through the world in some way that’s foreign to you, whether that’s due to a disability, advanced age, hyperactivity, agoraphobia— there are endless examples. Imagine that person in a common scenario, such as food shopping, going to the doctor, or being invited to a party. What would make a person in their situation feel more included?

Want more?

If you’re a parent or teacher, model inclusivity constantly. Everyone gets to belong, participate, enjoy. This isn’t just an activity or assignment; it should be part of the fiber that connects families and classrooms.

If you’re a writer/creator, include as much diversity as you can in your work— and make sure you do your research, so you don’t fall into stereotypes.

How did this work for you? Leave a comment below, and you might be featured in next week’s newsletter!

Stuff You Might Like To Know

My 100-word story, “Paper Umbrellas,” was recently published in 5 Minute Lit. I love the challenge of trying to capture a situation and a story in just 100 words!

I finished reading WELLNESS by Nathan Hill and absolutely loved it. It’s the kind of meandering, literary fiction that starts slow but goes deep. I just started HANA KHAN CARRIES ON by Uzma Jalaluddin and THE LEFTOVER WOMAN by Jean Kwok.

I’m listening to the podcast 60 Songs that Explain the 90s and it has reminded me of so many great songs!

I’m watching (and loving) Jon Stewart’s return to the Daily Show. Other than that, I’m in a TV drought. Any recommendations? I’m looking for something that’s funny and well-written.

Here’s to us, in all of our imperfect, striving goodness.

Keep hoping. Keep caring. Keep trying.