Relationships Beat Values
Putting People First
The Story
When my boyfriend, now-husband, returned from graduate school in 2006, we wanted to move in together. By then, we’d been together for five years and survived two of them long-distance. We both had teaching jobs, and we’d found an apartment in the bottom floor of a house in the small but beautiful town of Millbrook, NY.
My parents did not approve. They are very devout Catholics, and my father, in particular, believed that cohabitating before marriage meant living in a state of sin, and this made him afraid for me as well as ashamed of the stigma.
He told me that I was old enough to do what I wanted, but that he wouldn’t visit me in my new home with my boyfriend.
I was sad about this, but it was what I’d expected. Despite my inner conflict over doing something that my dad (who, as I’ve written before, I adore) disapproved of, I knew this was the right thing for me and my boyfriend, so we moved forward. I began packing up the one-bedroom apartment I’d lived in by myself for the past two years and preparing my cranky old cat for life with another human. (Spoiler alert: she ended up loving him more than me.)
And then one day, while I was elbow-deep in boxes, my dad called. He was crying.
“I’ve been doing some soul searching,” he said. “Even if I think that your choice is wrong, I realized that you’re more important than that choice. I love my faith, and I believe in my principles. But I love you more.”
That “I love you more” was one of the greatest gifts anyone ever gave me.
Since January, I’ve been writing about values. But there’s something more important than values: relationships.
In a diverse society, there’s always going to be friction. What I value may not be what you value. This comes across in all manner of relationships, from the parents of your kid’s friends to your own grandmother. Values are so important for understanding yourself, your position in the world, and how you want to move forward in life. But in the hierarchy of needs, they’re below relationships. More than values, we need each other.
That means that sometimes we may need to keep a little piece of ourselves open to another belief or another way of living, to make room for the person on the other end. That’s the unconditional in Unconditional Love. That’s what my dad gave to me. It’s okay that it took him some time to get there. Even back then, I understood that values can become entrenched, so that we can’t see the impact they have on the people around us. It can sometimes take deep reflection and soul-searching to see how powerful our values have become.
I see values overpowering relationships more and more these days, as people “perform” values in the areas of health, parenting and self-denial in the form of Instagram posts and TikTok reels. It’s easy to forget who’s on the other side of that screen: the people we’re performing the values for.
And it’s not just about our relationships with others. Our self-relationship can also be blocked by values if we’re not careful. Values, goals and intentions: they’re the building blocks to a good life, but just like anything else, too much focus on them can lead us astray.
Do you agree that relationships are more important than values? Why or why not?
Series Update
This is the last post of the Good Character VALUES series. I’ll be taking a few weeks off to focus on writing my novel, JO & MARY, and working on some extra teaching projects. I’ll see you all in April— but until then, enjoy reading some of my previous posts. You can find everything on the main page for Good Character.
Stuff You Might Like To Know
In a Flash published its March issue on 3/1/25, and I was honored to be the lead editor! I loved working with our featured author, Liza Porter. Her essay, “And what about the way hope…” is tucked inside my heart.
I’m re-reading THE PERFECTIONIST’S GUIDE TO LOSING CONTROL by Katherine Morgan Schafler. I highlighted so much of it last time and it’s all jumping off the page again. It might be annual required reading for me.
On Substack, I appreciated this series on re-imagining school structure and found this “sprint” focused on living judgement-free helpful.
I’ll miss you all this next month. Keep in touch while I’m off educating and novel-ing!
Keep hoping. Keep caring. Keep trying.
Loved this!